Self worth: Defining our own scorecards
Fixing how we see ourselves is sometimes more important than fixing ourselves!
I was discussing a topic of interest with a co-worker about how Singaporean and Indian societies are very similar. Both our experiences suggest that the stresses of externally validating self-worth are prevalent from a very young age in our societies. The importance of having a first-class degree and getting good grades has followed us into the workplace, with validation trophies simply changing from marksheets to salary slips and promotion titles. The question we explore today is: why do so many of us continue to attach our self-worth to workplace outcomes, many of which are outside our control?
Why must we fix the definition of self-worth?
Have you heard of Phantom limb syndrome? Phantom limb syndrome involves sensations perceived in a limb that has been amputated. Current theories suggest that reorganisation of the nervous system, particularly the brain's sensory and motor cortex, plays a significant role. Phantom limb experiences challenge the traditional mind-body connection by suggesting that sensations can exist independently of the physical body. It’s pretty remarkable how the human mind can play tricks on the body.
Pain is just one form of sensation; the same can be said about how our minds help us perceive the value of self-worth, sometimes based on actions, sometimes on imagined situations that exist only in our minds. Much like the brain clinging to a missing limb, we often cling to outdated versions of ourselves—programming from childhood that no longer serves us. If most of life is lived in our heads, isn’t it worth redesigning how we see ourselves? Fixing the self-worth question doesn’t mean changing external outcomes, but changing the story we tell ourselves about those outcomes.
It’s hard to know if what worked for us then will continue to work for us now. Our environments change, definitions of success shift, and we evolve. But our self-worth programming lags. That’s why it’s crucial to revisit it consciously.
Seeking the rat race
This wiring starts early. Throughout my life, until the last few years, I had always chosen the rat race as if it were my only option. It gave me validation growing up, and I was taught it was the way out of an 'average life'. But after a point, the grind stops giving back. I’ve written before about hitting a ‘philosophical wall’, so I won’t repeat that here. (https://beyond10x.substack.com/p/stoicism-resilience-and-framework)
In my second year of work, I struggled despite working long hours. I didn’t fit the standard mould of a ‘successful analyst’. Some peers pivoted early, finding meaning outside the corporate ladder. I kept grinding, surrounded by top-tier talent from India’s best B-schools, but I never truly felt at home. I was just a 20-something trying to survive off the external validation of a brand-name company. And it came at a cost: self-doubt, anxiety, and years of making decisions to ‘look good’ rather than feel fulfilled.
The external validation trap
If self-worth were a ladder, external validation would be its bottom rung. The problem with external validation is that it’s a moving target—the goalpost always shifts. You get one promotion and then chase the next. It’s exhausting because it’s often self-inflicted. We benchmark against our peers, set arbitrary markers, and hold ourselves accountable for falling short. Of course, we all need validation, but the challenge is decoupling it from our self-worth. Growing up, the validation system was straightforward—good grades got praise, and effort translated to success. But adulthood is murkier. Workplaces are subjective, outcomes unpredictable, and people flawed. Yet we stick to the same childhood programming, not realising the damage it does.
So, how do we define self-worth?
I don’t have a universal answer—only reflections. A friend recently left a high-paying tech job to build his own consulting practice. He left me with a quote that has stayed with me since:
“Beyond providing for my family, I don’t want to be left with the feeling that I never tried building something of my own.”
I have pondered why some people do hard things, why they leave the comfortable, predictable journey for the unknown. It comes down to their WHY. It truly comes down to what each of us values the most, and some people value things that fall outside the ordinary realm of what is considered success, which is why they do different things. It's because they are judging their life/ outcomes, in short, their self-worth, with a different scale, but a scale of their choosing.
That struck a chord. We don’t need to define self-worth in black and white. But we do need to reclaim it from external scorecards. Psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff discusses the concept of self-compassion—valuing yourself for being human, rather than for being perfect. Research indicates that self-compassion fosters resilience, alleviates anxiety, and promotes more sustainable motivation compared to external validation.
It’s not about giving up ambition—it’s about anchoring it in internal purpose rather than external applause. That transition won’t be easy. Like a phantom limb, old self-worth habits may ache before they fade. But it’s worth doing because the alternative is a lifetime spent chasing moving targets. If we must chase something, let it be our growth, curiosity, and joy, not someone else’s checklist.
P.S. If this resonates with you, consider spending 5 minutes today asking: What scorecard am I playing to? And whose rules is it based on?